Rabbi Marc E. Berkson -- Shabbat Shuvah -- 5767
Gathering In Today's Feathers
The story we know well; we read it from our Children’s High Holy Day Mahzor every Yom Kippur. The version there tells of a child who, in the words of the prayerbook, is so careless with the words she speaks, that she loses all of her friends. Seeking out the rabbi for assistance, she wonders why her friends have deserted her. The rabbi teaches by example. He asks her to take her pillow and tear it open and then let the wind scatter its feathers hither, thither, and yon. Thinking it strange, she still follows the rabbi’s request and then returns to him the following day. “Nu,” she asks. “Now,” responds the rabbi, “go and gather up all the feathers and put them back into the pillowcase.”
“Impossible!” she cries. Which allows the rabbi the nimshal, the lesson, if you will. For, he explains, it is just as impossible to gather in the words we have spoken and scattered to the winds as it is those feathers. Thus, watch carefully what you say and where you say it.
Told by Rabbi Yisrael Me’ir Ha-Kohen in the latter half of the 19th century, the story became part of his great work on lashon ha-rah, on slander. In fact, so well know did his work become that the work’s name also became his name. Thus did he become known as the Hafetz Hayyim, as the one who desires life. Yet the story carries less impact today; how many kids have even seen a feather pillow, let alone know of all the feathers contained within. Thus, a revised form of the story for today as told by many. The feather pillow is now a computer in Microsoft Outlook; tearing it open becomes hitting “reply all” in place of “reply.” For that matter, retrieving words once they have been sent out into cyberspace—through email or through blogs or through My Space—becomes even more impossible than retrieving those feathers from the pillow.
The update is excellent—and the nimshal, the lesson, remains the same. Thus, one can ask similarly—if one can sin through cyberspace, can one also apologize through cyberspace? OF COURSE—or, at least it appears that one can. For example, one can go to instantapology.com to send an ePology. You got it. Put your foot in your mouth, or done something you regret? They understand. With the ePology, you can find some "feel-good" picture to attach to your words and then instantly email your eCard to say, “I’m sorry.”
And, no, instantapology.com is not the only website designed to send apologies, or ePologies, out into cyberspace. After Shabbat, you can also take a look at imsorry.com. A far more complex site, imsorry.com advertises itself as the place for you “if saying sorry and forgive me is important to you.” And imsorry.com sounds almost Jewish. Understanding that people make mistakes, the creators of imsorry.com recognize the great power which exists in words and in forgiveness. Knowing that the things we say mean so much, they developed imsorry.com to help—in their own words—“make the world a better place.” By finding ways to say “I’m sorry” easier and just a little bit fun to do, the folks at imsorry.com believe, again in their words, that “together we will change the world one I’m sorry at a time.”
A person desiring to send an apology through imsorry.com has three choices—a gift, an apology card (yes, the old-fashioned way, by snail mail), or the standard ePology. All three come with an olive branch implanted, if you will. Two dollars of every six spent for an apology card is directed to an organization feeding the hungry. But it is the ePology which is most interesting. You not only can send the ePology to the one against whom you sinned—but you can also show the world your apology by having it placed on the scrolling marquis at the site.
And if imsorry.com sounds almost Jewish, projectforgiveness.com makes the claim directly. Launched by the National Jewish Outreach Program just last month, Project Forgiveness hopes, in the words of National Jewish Outreach Director Rabbi Ephraim Buchwald, “that people will be inspired by others’ expressions of forgiveness. Perhaps after taking the first step on-line, some will connect directly to mend fences.”
And Project Forgiveness makes it so simple. Its creators invite people to use either email or snail mail to share their thoughts and their apologies. They welcome any electronic program; they invite any kind of images drawn or painted or glued onto paper or postcard or cardboard or tissue. And they promise to keep all entries anonymous unless the one seeking forgiveness requests otherwise.
A few people surely have been in touch. Wrote one woman:
To my husband: I'm so sorry for the hurt I have caused you and continue to cause you, even though you are unaware. I know you are trying to show how much you love me, but I'm afraid it's too late. I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you any more. I'm just as happy being by myself as with you, maybe more so because I don't have to deal with the inadequacies of our relationship. Just remember, you are still you… it is me who has changed.
Signed-- Anonymous
Another anonymous posting is a postcard scanned onto the website. The postcard shows a woman dressed in some early 1950’s outfit looking a bit angry against a pink background. Pasted onto the card are the words: “I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?” Then, printed below on the card are these words:
But not anymore. Thank you for teaching me about love and loss and moving on. I am a better person for it. (Please get help!) Even now, I can’t love you. I’m sorry.
Sinning in cyberspace—that I fully understand. Seeking forgiveness in cyberspace—that constitutes virtual apologies. And virtual forgiveness is not what these days are all about. Jewish forgiveness is real—and hard. Even more, Jewish forgiveness is not instant. One hit on the computer, out goes the ePology, and I am forgiven. No, Jewish forgiveness involves several steps—and those steps begin between two people. For Jewish forgiveness is relational. In other words, while Jewish forgiveness is concerned with healing the individual, it is vitally concerned with healing the individual in relationship to another. And thus it can never be done anonymously; it must always been done in direct contact with the one against whom one has sinned.
A couple of years ago, I talked about the specific responsibilities in seeking and granting forgiveness. Maimonides makes clear the specifics in his work, the Mishneh Torah. We must first recognize the sin and then confess that sin. Then we must express our regret and resolve not to repeat that sin. But the process continues when sin is between two people. The perpetrator of the sin must seek out the victim of that sin and ask for forgiveness--from the other, from the victim. And they will only know that forgiveness is complete when both perpetrator and victim find themselves in a situation parallel to the one in which the perpetrator blew it but now resists from repeating the wrongdoing. It is a fascinating process, a process of forgiveness that necessarily implies not forgetting the wrongdoing, the sin, but remembering it. Neither may forget the wrong done, neither the perpetrator nor the victim; by remembering it and not doing it again, their relationship is fully restored.
Yet more. Further details make clear the reciprocity. In the case of a physical injury, one must make a compensatory payment and ask for forgiveness. But ultimately, an injured party who refuses to grant forgiveness after being asked three times in the presence of others becomes the one considered the sinner. This forgiveness stuff is hard work. In other words, seek forgiveness. Grant forgiveness. Come before God cleansed, having restored our human relationships, now prepared to restore our relationship with God. For us, it is in healing the relationship that we help to heal the world.
And this has everything to do with our congregation’s Brotherhood whom we honor this Shabbat Shuvah. For our Brotherhood has been the example we should all strive for in building this holy congregation. You understand that relationship basic to congregation. You are careful in your choice of words, thoughtful in your communications. Over and over again, you give of your time to help us cement congregational relationships. What else is your calendar but a way of bringing us closer together? This Sunday, just before Yom Kippur, you will be driving people to our Kever Avot v’Imahot service at Greenwood Cemetery. For you know that relationships within congregation are not just between people in place, but between people in time. And you also know that congregation is not just about paper and prayer; you also know that it is about family. Thus do you give of your time in feeding us, in knowing that, if you feed us, we will come—to our Deli dinner, to our Purim schpiel, to our congregational picnic.
Your actions speak just as loudly as your words. For you also know that relationships within a congregation are built not only with time but also with talent. In just over two weeks, Robert Jacobs will gather a bunch of us together to build our Sukkahmobile. Somehow, as we build it that Saturday night, you find ways to make all of us feel needed, even those of us like me who are all thumbs. Then, as we drive throughout the neighborhoods on Sunday, you bring our congregational welcome out into the community.
And your giving speaks just as loudly as your words. You ensure that many Jewish kids get the Jewish summers of their lifetimes—at OSRUI, at Interlochen, at Fredonia-- through your Michael K. Fefferman Campership Fund. And, while they are at camp, you work hard all summer staffing a concession stand at Miller Park, bringing in much needed financial assistance to the congregation’s bottom line.
By words communicated and by actions done, either directly to and for another or through cyberspace, you let the larger community know what a wonderful and healthy congregation you help create here at Emanu-El B’ne Jeshurun. You pay attention to what you say and how you respond. Thus, as we do the real work of seeking forgiveness from those we have wronged and granting forgiveness to those who have apologized to us, let us also remember to thank you tonight as we honor you and this Yom Kippur as you greet us and usher us in to our Yom Kippur services.
As I now call upon the President of our Brotherhood, Mark Holland.